Friday, December 21, 2012

Atheist Heaven

There is no heaven. There is no rebirth. After this, there is nothing.

Or is there?

Everything in your body, everything you see around you, everyone you ever met or ever will meet, is made out of elements that were made in suns. The byproducts of 10,000-degree-hearths, this star-stuff sank to the center of suns as they burned and burned and burned, converting from one fuel to another and changing color from white to red, burning dimmer and brighter, growing and shrinking and growing again.

And in the atomic flash that marked the end of each star's too-short life, all those atoms were blasted by the ton into the black. There they drifted like plankton in an eleven-dimensional infinity of nothingness, forever.

They twisted into kaleidoscopes of elements and energy, melding into neon and silver and sodium, until faint wisps of gravity pulled them into orbit around a new helium yellow glow. A few trillion short days later and they'd formed into all the rest of the elements on the periodic table (and some we haven't found yet).

They poured together into magma and oceans. Bathed in the sun's killer glow they got together to form squiggly creatures and fish and plants. Reptiles and mammals and birds (in that order).

And we partied on for eons, kissing and killing.

And in a handful of billions of years from now, when it's all over and our star is no more and our world is no more, all that carbon and uranium and calcium and mercury, all those molecules -- our molecules -- will float once again among each other, among the heavens, bathing in the dim glorious halo of a million billion galaxies...

...Until they begin to feel those familiar, gentle wisps of gravity tugging at them once again.


Friday, April 13, 2012

Bouncy House of Horror

I can't tell what it is about the Sponge Bob decorating this bouncy house, but something about him is very creepy. He has a sort of Hannibal Lecter thing going on. Or maybe it's his pose of crucifixion. Whatever it is, I decided not to jump around in the bouncy house that night.

Kama Sutra Chef Decorative Wine Bottle Holder

I saw this for sale in our local grocery store.

Seriously, who thinks these things up? Who approves the design drawings for production? What must the people in the Chinese factory where these are made think of Americans?

Actual Headlines in the Time of Jesse James

I saw this on a documentary about Jesse James. These are actual newspaper headlines from the midwest in the 1800s:

The Weekly Caucasian? Sounds like Fox News.

The Unterrified Democrat? Sounds like MSNBC.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Frightening for Children

Ah, the happiest place on earthTM. This is the actual official map of Disneyland that they give you at the front gate (click to enlarge):

In the legend at the bottom, there is a warning. An exclamation mark in a yellow circle: "This attraction may be frightening for children."

Now you might expect to find this warning symbol on a lot of rides at Disneyland.

Thunder Mountain or Space Mountain... these are fast rides with twists and turns.

Or how about the Jungle Cruise with the guide firing blanks from a pistol?

Or how about just the decor in Adventure Land, with skulls impaled on spears (my personal favorite)?


The only place on the whole map that this warning "frightening for children" appears is...

Captain EO.
Starring Michael Jackson.

Credit: Thanks to Scott Lipsey for pointing this out.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Stupid Cat

Before work this morning, I make a hurried pitstop in the bathroom. I lift the toilet lid, step up to the plate, look down and this is what I see:

Morgan the cat.

I almost peed on his head.

Stupid cat.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas, My Bitches!

Pimp my wrapping paper.