"Come on, you have to see this."
So I pulled some pajama pants on over my G-string and stumbled outside into the cold morning air. The grass beneath my bedroom slippers glistened with the morning dew. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked.
"There!" She pointed at a worn patch of lawn.
"What?"
"See it?"
It was a patch of dirt beside a tree.
 |
| A patch of dirt beside a tree (photo unretouched) |
"It's a shark!" she said excitedly. "A land shark!"
I was worried about Julia. I know smoking lowers the brain's oxygen level. But still.
Then a lightbulb appeared above my head. After all, in 2004 a Miami woman sold a grilled cheese sandwich for $28,000 because it had a picture of the Virgin Mary burned into its surface.
 |
| "Not a hoax!" screams the headline convincingly. |
At the time I though for sure that within a year you'd see George Foreman hawking Virgin Mary grills so you could make your very own holy meals.
I even thought you'd be able to switch out customizable hot plates so you could make food featuring the likenesses of your very own favorite celebrities.
Mother Theresa French bread
Elvis Presley Belgian waffles
Pope Innocent XVI English Muffins
 |
| I can't believe it's not Elvis! |
There might be something to this Land Shark thing after all, I thought. We could even start a cult.
The Cult of the Land Shark.
I would be the Pope of the Land Sharks. And Julia would be Our Glorious Leader. And we would have a big crystal cathedral. And tall hats.
And tithes. Lots of tithes.
"Yeah, Julia," I smiled, rubbing my hands together greedily. "Yeah, I see it now!"
 |
| Holy ground (site of a miracle) |
"Now let's go inside and have some grilled cheese sandwiches while I design our tall hats."
Sources:
virgin mary grill cheese: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6511148/
elvis butter: http://media.photobucket.com/image/elvis%20made%20from%20only%20butter%20weird/RandomMe06/randomness/P3020041.jpg?o=1
tithes: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tithe
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